At the beginning of the year, someone asked me if God led me to Boulder. Again, I don't know. I didn't really pray a lot about my decision, I just kind of made it. Regular prayer (other than at meal times) or Bible reading just never seems appealing. It's not that I don't believe that I should strive towards discipline and a more "Christ-like" walk. It's just that somehow it all feels dead. Why do some people feel like they hear God speak to them when they pray, and I've never felt like I've heard a whisper of a reply? It is easy to echo Christian sentiments when at church or when surrounded by other Christians, but it seems impossible to live them.
Let this verse, then, be my mantra:
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." Mark 9:24 (context)
1 comment:
I think I know how you feel. Prayer and "discipleship" are always difficult topics for me. I'm capable of looking on my life and appreciating how things have worked out and recognizing God in that; but I've never had any real sense of God speaking to me through prayer or scripture either. That's probably why I do so little of either. The only time I can claim to feel like I'm being "guided" is when I screw things up and limit my options and need to feel like there's some larger reason for it.
I've long since given up asking for anything concrete in prayer. On those rare occasions where I do feel obliged to pray, I don't ask for more than guidance, acceptance, and occasionally health for myself and others. Anything else seems like asking for disappointment.
All in all, I feel like following Christ's footsteps isn't about the big plan. It's not in which job you take or which school you go to. It's in how your respond to the people around you and how your honor the gifts God has given you in the opportunities with which you're presented. It's in being open to the world and the bettering of it instead of striving to live in seclusion from sin.
As good as this may sound, though, it definitely still feels inadequate when I run into the sort of people who ask questions like the one you started with. Those people will probably always make me feel like my spiritual life is lacking.
Thanks for the verse. It may shortly become one of the few I actually know. And, as usual, thanks for sharing in general.
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