Cynical Worship

When I was in high school, I thought praise songs were some of the deepest, most spiritual songs written. Songs like Heart of Worship, We Will Dance, and Undignified all spoke to me. I remember attending church camp and come back with a "God high" that made feel like I was spiritually on fire.

So why is it that now almost any praise song throws me into a cynical pit? Oh, great, now we can sing this single verse and chorus 50 million times. Cause that's meaningful. I usually blame my less-than-spiritually-deep youth group, the one I attended in high school and later became dissatisfied with. But we sang the same songs at Calvin's chapel many times, and I rarely felt that worship was lacking. So what have I lost?

I yearn for that closeness, the feeling that my faith was something valuable, rather than this thing that was a part of me, and yet apart from me. I don't stand up for my beliefs when others question Christianity, and I don't take the opportunities to witness to others, because they would make things--and me--uncomfortable. What happened to the girl who won Bible tic-tac-toe? The girl who was a small group leader, and who was strong in her faith? Where did she go, and why did she leave me with this empty shell? Did I leave her?

I still find my faith in songs, though usually hymns, now. Another semi-cynical part of me says that's because hymns are "better," that somehow preferring them makes me a better Christian. I know that's not true.

I keep thinking if I just join a small group, read my Bible more, or fill-in-the-blank with any "good Christian activity," then I'll get better. But none of those things will help me if I don't change my heart and my attitude as well.

Resolutions:

I will read my Bible more.

I will attend the women's small group at church.

I will pray for help with a change in attitude.

My prayer for this evening is actually found in a popular Christian song:

Dear God, surround me as I speak,

the bridges that I walk across are weak

Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear

Dear God, don't let me fall apart,

you've held me close to you

I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains

And send them crashing into the sea

They say that I can walk on water

If I would follow and believe

with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away

and my eyes can't see your face

I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness

I walked in light of you

. . .

They say that love can heal the broken

They say that hope can make you see

They say that faith can find a Savior

If you would follow and believe

with faith like a child

-- Faith Like a Child, Jars of Clay