Cynical Worship

When I was in high school, I thought praise songs were some of the deepest, most spiritual songs written. Songs like Heart of Worship, We Will Dance, and Undignified all spoke to me. I remember attending church camp and come back with a "God high" that made feel like I was spiritually on fire.

So why is it that now almost any praise song throws me into a cynical pit? Oh, great, now we can sing this single verse and chorus 50 million times. Cause that's meaningful. I usually blame my less-than-spiritually-deep youth group, the one I attended in high school and later became dissatisfied with. But we sang the same songs at Calvin's chapel many times, and I rarely felt that worship was lacking. So what have I lost?

I yearn for that closeness, the feeling that my faith was something valuable, rather than this thing that was a part of me, and yet apart from me. I don't stand up for my beliefs when others question Christianity, and I don't take the opportunities to witness to others, because they would make things--and me--uncomfortable. What happened to the girl who won Bible tic-tac-toe? The girl who was a small group leader, and who was strong in her faith? Where did she go, and why did she leave me with this empty shell? Did I leave her?

I still find my faith in songs, though usually hymns, now. Another semi-cynical part of me says that's because hymns are "better," that somehow preferring them makes me a better Christian. I know that's not true.

I keep thinking if I just join a small group, read my Bible more, or fill-in-the-blank with any "good Christian activity," then I'll get better. But none of those things will help me if I don't change my heart and my attitude as well.

Resolutions:

I will read my Bible more.

I will attend the women's small group at church.

I will pray for help with a change in attitude.

My prayer for this evening is actually found in a popular Christian song:

Dear God, surround me as I speak,

the bridges that I walk across are weak

Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear

Dear God, don't let me fall apart,

you've held me close to you

I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains

And send them crashing into the sea

They say that I can walk on water

If I would follow and believe

with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away

and my eyes can't see your face

I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness

I walked in light of you

. . .

They say that love can heal the broken

They say that hope can make you see

They say that faith can find a Savior

If you would follow and believe

with faith like a child

-- Faith Like a Child, Jars of Clay

Double-Minded

My small group has been examining the book of James; we just finished chapter 4 tonight. Last week I felt like a verse we read was speaking to me, and as I was looking at the verses we discussed tonight, it spoke to me again. This was a bit weird, as I don't usually feel the text "speak" much, if at all.

James 4:8 (context)

"Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."

So often I pray, and feel I go unanswered. As though I'm praying to a void, an empty place where God used to be. I cannot help but feel like this verse is saying it is because I am not really reaching out to God. I pray when I need something, but I don't spend time with him. How can I expect him to be near me if I don't come to him? I seem to be one of the double-minded -- I say I want to be near him, to be a faithful follower, but I don't make time for prayer, or Bible study, or anything more than a Sunday church service and my small group. How can I call myself Christian and yet lead a life so far removed from what I am called to do? Why is it that prayer and Bible study so often feel dead to me? Why is doing what I should be doing so often just a feeling of going through the motions?

I envy those with rock-solid faith. There's a girl (woman?) in my small group who expresses an absolute faith and trust in God. I know she has trouble, and moments of weakness, as she shares them with us, but I truly wish I had just an ounce of her faith. It was so easy as a child, even into my later teens. Why does it grow so much harder to maintain each year now?

On Discipleship (Holy Week Reflection)

My least favorite question to be asked by another Christian is, "So, what is God doing in your life?" I don't know. I never know the answer to that question, and in the circles where that question is asked, "I don't know" never feels like a good answer.

At the beginning of the year, someone asked me if God led me to Boulder. Again, I don't know. I didn't really pray a lot about my decision, I just kind of made it. Regular prayer (other than at meal times) or Bible reading just never seems appealing. It's not that I don't believe that I should strive towards discipline and a more "Christ-like" walk. It's just that somehow it all feels dead. Why do some people feel like they hear God speak to them when they pray, and I've never felt like I've heard a whisper of a reply? It is easy to echo Christian sentiments when at church or when surrounded by other Christians, but it seems impossible to live them.

Let this verse, then, be my mantra:

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." Mark 9:24 (context)

On Life

There are a couple other blogs I check regularly, one of which is Waiter Rant. The (current) most recent post is a really well-written piece about death (and life). It got me thinking, a little, so bear with me as I dump my brain out a bit.

Today, I ate some (uncooked) cheese. For most people, this is not a big deal, but I'm lactose intolerant. When I was diagnosed (that makes it sound like cancer, which it isn't), the doctor told me that it would gradually get worse, and that eventually almost every dairy product would be off limits without some kind of treatment or preventative pill. Well, tonight I discovered I can now add "uncooked/not significantly melted cheese" to the ever-growing list of dairy products best avoided. Considering I once ranted to my boyfriend for 45 minutes about the merits and deliciousness of cheese, you can understand why I found this discovery upsetting. Instead of being productive, I lay in bed (standing/sitting not an option for me post-accidental-lactose ingestion) eating a lollipop and reading bad romance novels. I won't say I was unhappy about the non-productivity, because who really wants to work on a Saturday evening?

Early in the day, one my bf's roommates made a big deal about how he had to make "vegan" mashed potatoes for me. (Seriously, lactose intolerance != vegan.) I know he's going through a tough time right now, but I was still kind of offended/upset. It's not like I chose to be lactose intolerant. Yes, I am thinking about becoming a vegetarian -- but I feel like he made a big deal out of something he didn't need to, and it just made me feel bad for making him go to the trouble. I far too easy to guilt trip. . .

But on the other hand, I didn't die today. Sure, LI symptoms are uncomfortable at best, but I'm alive. I'm not deathly allergic. And somewhere, in the back of my mind, there's a voice saying, "Is this little hardship so much to bear, when I died to save you? Don't you think I know a little bit of what it's like to be disappointed, or upset, or worried?"

It's hard to remember to thank God for small things, like life, and breath, and music, and crisp mornings in early spring when life seems so generally stressful and crummy, but perhaps I just need to let those things go.

Happy early Easter! (Χριστός ἀνέστη!)

-skye out.

Loving Enemies

Where does one draw the line between loving enemies, and loving evil people? I cannot find any love in my heart for the Taliban and the things they do, like flogging a seventeen year old girl, without even any proof of her supposed "crime." There is no justice in that.

Webcomic is go?

I need to make this its own webpage.

In other news, drawing things like backgrounds and fire is hard. :p

Skye out.

[edit: 4/11/09 @10:49] minor typo corrected [/edit]

Why Two Blogs?

I've realized that I have ideas/rants/thoughts I want to share that I simply don't have the Japanese to inflict on you. Rather than butcher the Japanese language, if I can't express my thoughts in Japanese, I will do my best to express them here.

There will probably be simultaneous posts -- one, expressing my thoughts rather simply, on the Japanese blog, and another expanding on those thoughts here.

Woot?